Married Chicks and the 10% variable

So had a pretty interesting Saturday night and learned a few things……

(Important background information: This time of the year is the longest point between the Super Bowl and Labor Day weekend, so football and I have been broken up for about seven months, not counting the draft. So I have reached the end of my rope and feel especially lonely and hate being single. Last year was the only time in the past decade or so that I have been in a relationship during the dog days of summer and I went to Ft. Lauderdale, which really helped pass the time.)

First, I am getting to that age where a decent portion of the women I run into are either married or engaged, and I am either too stupid, drunk or oblivious to look at their hands for rings. I was hanging out at my new favorite bar in Chicago, Crocodile (http://www.crocodilechicago.com/), and I was talking to this girl named Kim. She came in with a bunch of girls that went to Miami of Ohio and knew some friends of mine. She sat down, introduced herself and we started talking.

She was tall and pretty and even though she was blonde, we were getting along. She was some sort of client relations chief at a real estate firm located in the Bloomingdale’s building, we talked about her job and laughed a little bit. Then I turn to my friend, the Game, and said, “that girl is cool.” He responded, “she’s married.” I immediately felt like somebody pissed in my drink.

After thinking about this for a day, it is too much to ask single, half in the bag wild animals to look for jewelry in dark bars. If a girl is engaged or married and wants to go out to bars late at night without there husband or fiancee, they should have to wear a placard or a flashing sign that says “MARRIED”, “ENGAGED”, or “DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME”. It would make things much easier. I was talking about this with the Vogs and she said it is even harder for girls because guys don’t where engagement rings. She has a good point, but you can tell if a guy is married/engaged by the broken look in his eyes. The look in their eyes is similar to a jungle cat that has spent too much time in captivity.

Second, I ran into my last girlfriend, who moved away, for the first time in 9 months. Of course, I got crushed and epically freaked out, which is unfortunately standard procedure for me regarding interactions with exes. But that is not the point of this story. Also, I realized that I miss her a lot more than I would like to admit and that I could probably going on for pages about it, but I don’t want to write about it and I am goddamn sure that no one wants to read about it. But what I did realize is that I missed “26yr old Boyfriend” Steve almost as much as I missed her. I really grew to like him. In every person there is a certain percentage of your personality that is unchangeable no matter your environment, but there is always a fraction that is chameleonlike and can adapt to your surrounding. I have pegged my spilt at about 90/10.

The 10% of my personality usually reverts to behavior that has been honed after lengthy interaction with others. For example, when I talk or hang out with my friend Dumb, I behave like I did when I was 20/21 and his then girlfriend, now wife was abroad. I dip back into a overexaggerated, comical drawl and the conversations center around special teams, skoal, cold beer, the beer cave at Cashion’s on Exit 28, our trips to go see Forky in lawyer school at the thrill, how hot Carrie Underwood is, old episodes of E! Wild On and the latest Kenny Chesney song. But if I am talking to Vogler the conversations mainly center around romantic comedies (esp. Chasing Liberty), how much I love Ricky Proctor, and wistfully remembering ex girlfriends.

I use this 10% to define version of Steve that was active at a particular time. I am very often extremely pleased with myself, so I am really fond of many of the versions. Here is a quick rundown of what I feel are the best versions and the one that I hate the most…….

Best of the Best
“Beach” Steve
The most relaxed version of Steve. I get tan, read, write a little bit and sleep. At night I wear white or pastel shirts to show off my tan and rock a self-satisfied smile 24/7.

“Tailgate” Steve
Outside, day drinking, football, grilling, brothers, and making friends with strangers…..this is the happiest version of me that most people will ever see. Actually this might be the happiest version of anybody that anybody will lay eyes on.

“Making dinner with a date” Steve
I think that only three or four girls have ever seen this version. With classic rock/country on the radio, dancing around the kitchen while draining cold bottle beers, spouting off about a bunch of topics and listening to the girl respond and talk about her own interests, making out on the kitchen counter, and kidding her about “fucking up” the side dishes, it allows me to be impressive, fun and capable.

Worst of the Worst
“Jilted, drunk ex boyfriend” Steve
Fortunately, this version is limited to a handful of times a year and to the Chicago area. For some reason, I can’t believe that someone who dated me would ever want to stop dating me even though I have a mountain of circumstantial evidence to the contrary. After about 8 drinks in the company of exes, I get belligerent and obnoxious and feel it necessary to make a spectacle of the situation. I just really don’t have the emotional discipline to play it cool and I get some perverse enjoyment from dumping gasoline on bridges and lighting a match. I have enough problems with girls, I don’t need to handicap myself.