Gossip Girl Season 3, Episode 4

The Vogs is back for episode 4, and I added some of my own thoughts. I’ll turn it over again to Whitney……..

I’m so excited and flattered to be back for my second attempt at recapping Gossip Girl. I’m also joined by a very special guest – Janet Vogler! That’s right, my mom is visiting me and she is super pumped to watch some GG. I am slightly less pumped though, as I know I’ll have to pause the show many times to answer questions like “Now how much rent is that apartment, why can’t you live in something like that?” and “where can I find this dark haired vixen in the purple ties?” I ask myself that question every day. On to the recap!

This week Steve and I are making it even easier on you by organizing the comments by character. My comments are in italics and Stevo’s are regular.

Serena

Not really sure how to react to Season 3 Serena. Part of me wants them to kill her off like Marissa in the OC, but the other part of me realizes that her flaky, liberal, slutty way of doing business would drive me completely up the wall (in the best possible way) in real life. Plus 10 though for bringing Serena’s conscience as important part of the show; her struggling with trying to be good while fighting her urges to whore it out was a crux of the first two seasons. It gave her a purpose on the show other than parading around in that body that refuses to quit.

Lily’s back, and Serena covered up 15% of her cleavage to celebrate the occasion! Hooray. Plus 2. But wait, I spoke to soon; apparently she thought a bedazzled bandage dress was appropriate “work attire”. Plus 2 because she would.

Serena now works for Tyra. How on earth will they fit in a room big enough for their hair AND their egos? Minus 5.

Plus 5 for ultimately choosing to do the right thing, she is still the same naïve idealist from the pilot. I’m pretty sure I would pay about six grand a year to get an unrated version of this show on HBO for some nudity.

Blair

Minus 5 for Blair wanting to host the annual Constance sleepover? Everyone knows it’s not cool to hang out with high-schooler’s after you graduate. And attending your girlfriends’ senior prom when you’re a college freshman is no excuse Steve.

Minus 10 for the Blair/Constance story line. Even if she wanted to go back to high school she would have known it was lame. When have super rich hot girls ever felt left out? Especially ones who are smart and funny. Season 1&2 Blair rivals Summer Roberts as the greatest female TV character of all time…..now they are killing her. (Side note: So fired up for Rachel Bilson getting added to the How I Met Your Mother cast, I can only watch Jumper so many times)

If she was feeling insecure she would have been clinging to her relationship with Chuck, not bailed on the invitation to the movie premiere. Minus 5

Chuck

Minus 100. They have neutered one of the greatest war daddies of all time. He just bought a hotel, but is spending his time nurturing his girlfriend’s insecurity and not drilling her constantly. All relationships until your late 30s are built strictly around sex. I am not even sure what the point of having these two together is anymore. Watching him is making me sad and angry, I never thought I would say that. I still like watching him. Plus 10.

I was kind of hoping that all of Chucks lines “I’m Chuck Bass” would also serve the purpose of reminding Chuck who he is. Can he please snap out of this nice thoughtful phase immediately and go back to being a perpetually intoxicated, filthy rich, sexy asshole? Minus 5.

But Plus 35 for the text asking for “one on one tutoring.” Flirting through text messages with your shorty, is one of the underrated joys of life. It’s the perfect thing to do during commercials/half time, it makes work much more interesting and church bearable.

Dan

You never turn down the chance to hook up with a celebrity unless it is public knowledge they have a STD, Minus 10. Also he would have found a way to drop that his dad is the frontman for the Lincoln Hawk and wrote “Everytime” (I can not f’ing believe I can’t buy the single on itunes. It needs to be my ringtone.) So he knows what its like to be famous and can relate to her drama. Minus 3.

Dan just wants a normal girl with no drama. To quote Cher from Clueless, “I don’t think so.” His history includes Serena (tabloid regular), Georgina (crazy psycho bitch), and his teacher who was fired for their inappropriate relationship. If he wanted a normal girl he’d date Vanessa. Minus 15.

He should already have a girlfriend at NYU that plays in punk band and has pink hair. Minus 5.

Vanessa

Vanessa is exactly the type of the girl that would make sweeping generalizations about relationships based off her own one week relationship. Plus 20

Nate

Nate immediately recognizes Olivia from her role in Eternal Nights. Plus 5 because of course he’s into vampire movies. Everyone knows vampires are so-hot-right-now for 13 year old girls.

When did he become the smartest character on the show? Loving the new take charge Nate; having Dan do his papers, brilliant. Just like JFK taking credit for Profiles in Courage (Ted Sorensen). More Nate, More Nate’s Grandfather, more hot chick from Reba. Plus 7.

Jenny

Plus 10 for Jenny’s minions trying to copy Jenny’s style, and plus another 10 for how Jenny actually hates her look on someone else. It’s like she looked in the mirror for the first time and realized she looks like a crazy anorexic raccoon.

The “old way” at Constance includes colored headbands, pristine curls, and pearls. Ahh, I too long for the days of season 2. Plus 1

Hillary Duff aka “Olivia”

Olivia tries to fit in with normal people by claiming to be from Jersey and wearing a fedora. Plus 8 for effort.

Extra Credit

Tory Burch, I thought you were better than Tinsley Mortimer. If only you realized that you don’t need to guest star on a popular show to be relevant. Both of you are already all over the style section, enough is enough. Minus 10, and I vow to not wear your shoes for a week.

Tyra, Tyra. Where do I begin? Being a fan of America’s Next Top Model, I’m regrettably way too familiar with the modeling lessons and challenges she requires of all the wannabe Agnes Dean’s on her show. Every season Tyra sends the girls on an acting challenge and explains how essential being a good actress is for modeling. You know what else being a good actress is essential for? Acting!! I don’t think I’ve seen such bad acting since I watched Denise Richards as Christmas Jones in a 007 The World is not Enough. Minus 12 for the sheer annoyance of having to watch Tyra overcompensate with “fierceness.”

I have a huge problem with one aspect of this whole season. Everyone has cell phones and laptops but this group of friends is constantly dropping in on each other. I haven’t dropped in on someone since I got a cell phone. They would be at least texting each other to say “I’m stopping by.” The writers don’t know how to deal with cell phones/facebook for everyday life; they act like they are only used for pictures of people making out. Minus 25.

No one is getting black out. Maybe I am jaded because I went to the greatest rage-aholic school of all time, but there are a bunch of horny 18 year olds in college and there is no irresponsible drinking? Only Minus 3 because NYU sucks and is for artists, future spinsters and out of the closet gays so they wouldn’t be concerned with reaching warrior status. But if the show was trying to be real there would be much more blow. It is New York.

Total: Minus 83. Apparently Steve and I are feeling especially salty this week. I guess we both have trouble with change, and Chuck better step the F up.